An Uncensored Letter From My Journal

 

Dear Heavenly Father:

I feel hopeless and I need your help. I need your Divine intervention as I struggle so much with these bad habits which I have acquired to ease my pain, to soothe my worries, and appease my restlessness. Depression has partnered with me and I do not like it. I am sorry that I stop depending on you, I managed to find my own help by smoking pot, popping uppers and downers, or by drinking strong drink to keep me alive. I have made clubbing my uplifter-can’t wait for a Friday or Saturday night to get as high as a kite. Yet, the heights annoy me the more. I am sorry, but it’s so hard to let go when all around are friends who are like-minded. How can I get out of this net that I have set for myself?

Each day the choices I make have been horrible – I compromise your word, I rise up early to get stoned, and I go to bed late, stoned. Hoping each time that you will breathe your life into me to wake up to see another day.  I awake to see another day, you have not dealt with me according to my sinful nature. I have belittled what you have started in me and my mind is going over and over like an old record: “Look at you; you who God used at one time.”  Oh, how I wish that my life wasn’t so degraded.

Deliver me from hating who I have become, even hating the real me. Deliver me from all my sins and transgressions which includes my shortcomings.  Help me to see your light this year (2004).   Help me so that when am healed or in the process of my healing I can encourage others to see the right way.  Father,  your lovingkindness is everlasting; your love is in abundance towards me.  You are quite aware that I was born in a world full of good and evil.

Standing  in front of my mirror:

Shut up, get these voices out of my mind!

When did I lose my saltiness; or, when did my light turn off?

My heart has gone astray, can’t figure out the right way.

My soul is tired, my spirit is wounded, I’ve got to stop the madness. It’s hard when one has tasted of your good Father,  and stray like a dog to its vomit. So I pray today, please hear my cry of desperation. I lack the drive to be committed to you again, stagnancy has cemented me in one stinking place. I want to flow in clean waters again.

Then I remember my Bible which I hardly open and read Psalm 43.

Psalm 43:5

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. 

© jjf 2016 

 Reference: The King James Version Bible by Public Domain

 

 

 

 

 

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