Season of Depression

Season of Depression

Time flies

But does it really for me?

The orbit spins faster, my head’s spinning, swirling

Falling deeper into the hole

like Alice in Wonderland,

My head’s in the wrong direction

Pause, I fell fast asleep

Then I awoke to no more sunshine but

The canopy of dark clouds hanging over me

 I sigh, does time really fly?

Sir, have you seen the time?

I left it here a minute ago

Before slumber weighed down my eyes…

(c) jjf 2016

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An Uncensored Letter From My Journal

 

Dear Heavenly Father:

I feel hopeless and I need your help. I need your Divine intervention as I struggle so much with these bad habits which I have acquired to ease my pain, to soothe my worries, and appease my restlessness. Depression has partnered with me and I do not like it. I am sorry that I stop depending on you, I managed to find my own help by smoking pot, popping uppers and downers, or by drinking strong drink to keep me alive. I have made clubbing my uplifter-can’t wait for a Friday or Saturday night to get as high as a kite. Yet, the heights annoy me the more. I am sorry, but it’s so hard to let go when all around are friends who are like-minded. How can I get out of this net that I have set for myself?

Each day the choices I make have been horrible – I compromise your word, I rise up early to get stoned, and I go to bed late, stoned. Hoping each time that you will breathe your life into me to wake up to see another day.  I awake to see another day, you have not dealt with me according to my sinful nature. I have belittled what you have started in me and my mind is going over and over like an old record: “Look at you; you who God used at one time.”  Oh, how I wish that my life wasn’t so degraded.

Deliver me from hating who I have become, even hating the real me. Deliver me from all my sins and transgressions which includes my shortcomings.  Help me to see your light this year (2004).   Help me so that when am healed or in the process of my healing I can encourage others to see the right way.  Father,  your lovingkindness is everlasting; your love is in abundance towards me.  You are quite aware that I was born in a world full of good and evil.

Standing  in front of my mirror:

Shut up, get these voices out of my mind!

When did I lose my saltiness; or, when did my light turn off?

My heart has gone astray, can’t figure out the right way.

My soul is tired, my spirit is wounded, I’ve got to stop the madness. It’s hard when one has tasted of your good Father,  and stray like a dog to its vomit. So I pray today, please hear my cry of desperation. I lack the drive to be committed to you again, stagnancy has cemented me in one stinking place. I want to flow in clean waters again.

Then I remember my Bible which I hardly open and read Psalm 43.

Psalm 43:5

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. 

© jjf 2016 

 Reference: The King James Version Bible by Public Domain

 

 

 

 

 

To Prepare or Not to Prepare

To Prepare or Not to Prepare

(Or should an alarm be sounded)

There are many warfares taking place in our world today.  I strongly believe that the Earth has life and a voice (See the book of Romans 8:22 in the Bible).  She has been convulsing, sending us warning signs that she is tired of the horrible attitudes of mankind towards her.  The vileness is suffocating her, and so, she can no longer  breathe comfortably.  Restlessness have taken her over to the point where she behaves worse than a woman who is about to give birth to her baby; the pangs are beginning to consume her.

The world system may take charge over terrorists, but not without a fight.  For the nations suffer at the hands of terror.  A new and embedded terrorism, which triggers the hearts of mankind to stop, to give up all hope, and to swallow their egos.  Ah, who is that I hear, fanning the wind in the West; to pick up the seeds that have been planted in the minds of fearless and fierce souls.  Tell me, highly intelligence of the West, do you have any solutions?  For I see nothing in your world to give hope.  Now that I am four decades old, I see a generation assimilated with the sinister plot to wipe out the souls of the righteous.

Now tell me West, again, is that the way you’re leading us to be washed up like debris– our great cities, our structures taken away to the wrong places?  And by 3000 and beyond, our artifacts found by vile men whose kisses keep defiling the earth; who has no regard for your empires of philosophical entities, education,  scientists, celebrities, and money. Ah, money, it will be useless. We willed the evil, but we are not paying attention. We see it, but we are like the ostrich; she is woefully forgetful or ignorant.

Then I lifted my head to see the elements of spiritual war taking form. Only those who have eyes can see that the spiritual warfare is on.  Ephesians 6:12 (KJV) For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

So to prepare, I say yes.

I am preparing my spirit by praying, to be strong for another. By observing the signs of the time, my soul is in constant preparation like the ant; storing for the harsh season. Like the snake, keeping a watchful eye; like the dove, causing no harm;  like the lioness, ready to pounce at the trumpet’s announce. Are you preparing? Remember you cannot walk this walk without the savior, we all need the Light of the world.

Penitence:

Forgive me Father, my bad thoughts.

Oh, how I wish that the typhoon set

To rage an atmospheric war on a nation,

Would spin in another direction

With mind determined, sweep away the darkness of the evil acronym

Oh, how I wish, that I could destroy the letters of my alphabet,

Which show me words produced in voice

Reverberating terror

Oh, how I wish that the greatest psychic, guru, or spiritual eye of today,

Would give the answers to satisfy souls who are leaping freely into

Heavy rings of fire

Shout to the psychologist, the psychiatrist, and all other scientist

I will no longer enjoy the rising of the sun

If the continuum of their discourse cannot find an answer

For the ailing spirits of my children,

And my children’s children, who may no longer

Embrace words of freedom.

Forgive me for I have sinned.

This I confess through Christ my Lord. Amen.

(c)  2015 jjf  My Journal of 2015

Citation:
Image of the shofar: http://www.feedmysheepjerusalem.com
Description: Blow the shofar in Zion Retrieved January 18, 2016
King James Version of the Bible-Public Domain, The Holy Spirit and Prayer

 

No Satisfaction

(Random from my journal -A season of backsliding October 2014)

No Satisfaction

Today for the good part of the morning, I felt angry and frustrated, giving heed to all the negative thoughts encircling my mind. The negative energy I was creating was only fueling my discomfort about how easy it is for others to misunderstand or twist what you meant for good. Have you tried helping out a friend in a situation- giving them your time, your space, and your energy?  Even at the last minute, you run for them-you know; like a-go-for!  They get you so involved in their world that when you least expect it, your own personal world is crumbling piece by piece, as if bitten by some type of rodent. I am surrounded by rodents: the squirrels who love burying their nuts in my garden; the field rats or mice that the wild cats kill and leave, soon to foul up the air; and then there are the  beavers down by the big canal whose job is to chew on the bark of young trees, also attempting to chew on the bark of the old trees, but I guess chewing on the old trees can be detrimental to their time and energy.

Nothing satisfies I kept on saying out loud in my mind. Then it came out like a whisper under my breath, nothing satisfies.I mean nothing-no man, no sex, no club, no education- squat, nil, zero.  A very unusual mantra because I said it over and over again. I was very upset (saying so quite mildly). I didn’t want the children around me to hear my muttering as I continued my self-condemning,  nothing satisfies.  I was just about to raise my voice to say something derogatory in light of how I was feeling.  The horrible F word was forming, ready to be fueled out. But the gentle touch of a child almost made me jump out of my brown, patchy skin…

Then I said: ‘Forgive me Father for I have sinned.’

Now I  have to love my enemies.

(c) 2016 jjf

Image ‘No Satisfaction’ retrieved from http://www.myquotesclub.com on January 20th, 2016

 

 

 

Let Me Be Convicted

Let me be convicted

I want to listen to what will challenge

my thoughts, my heart, and my soul

I will embrace the conviction

that will bring the good out of me

I choose to be convicted

by the one who convinces me that His love

has redeemed me from the shackles set to imprison

my heart

His conviction may seem bitter at first

but after proper digestion of truth

It will be good to walk in renewed strength

To walk fully exonerated on the pathway of righteousness

I want to be convicted-my pain will be used for His gain.

(c) 2016 jjf